Communication and Understanding

What's the most important thing in family life and married life?  Many would say communication.  True, communication is one of the most important things in any relationship, but the way you communicate is the crucial part.
The first 30 seconds of a conversation can determine whether the conversation will end well, or badly.  It is important to come into the conversation in a calm and understanding manner rather than aggressive and informative.  It is important to communicate your own personal feelings rather than assumptions or perceptions you find yourself dwelling on.  This is refereed to as the 'I messages'.
Our culture is not good listeners.  Invalidation is the number one issue that couples run into.   Disregarding your spouses feelings, ignoring them completely or focusing your attention to other things can cause a rift in that relationship.  Being an empathic listener means to listen to your partners feelings and be able to reflect that back to them.  In order to listen for their feelings, you should be in tune to them, and them only and not judge.
Here are some steps to problem solve in relationships and marriages:

1. Identify and Define the Issue
2. Contract to work through the issue
3. Clarify the issue completely - Take turns using 'I messages' and 'Reflective and empathetic listening'
4. Identify wants for self, others, and us
5. Identify Alternatives - brainstorm
6. Solidifying agreements - Choose a plan of action - Think Win/Win
7. Try the plan and review/renegotiate