Divorce

Divorce can be a hard thing for families to go through, not just the immediate family members but the extended family members and friends as well.  There can be a bug impact on the children of the divorcee parents.  There are short term effects and long term effects.
In the short term, children are likely to suffer a variety of physical and emotional problems when their parents divorce.  There can be anger and self blame, fears of the future, and loyalty conflicts later on down the road.

Long term wise there can be lower marital satisfaction for the children when they are married, they receive lower education, and weaker ties between parents and grandparents.  A negative relationship stretched across more than three generations.

There are a few things that parents can do to make the whole divorce process a little bit more bearable for the children.
First, the parents should be supportive.  Second, they should practice warm parenting skills.  Third they should try to stay positive and keep all conversations between the couple between the couple and not the child.

Divorces can be ugly, but if there is always a choice and a divorce can be as clean as one can possibly make it.

Good Parenting

What are the purposes of parenting?  I came up with a few reasons that I personally believe in.

• To become more like our Heavenly Father
• For our own learning development
• Learn to Love
• Give the children preparatory expierences 
• Bring skilled workers into the world

Michael Popkin said, "Protect and prepare our children to survive and to thrive in the world we live in." 

Apart from the reasons we have and raise children, what are some of the proper ways to bring up and teach our children?  It is important to be active in the child's life, to win cooperation, to give responsibility and demand discipline, and lastly build courage and redirect misbehavior.  

When problems arise many parents tend to focus on the issue.  It would be more beneficial to focus on the needs of the child: contact and belonging.  It is important as well to build your kids up and not overcorrect their actions.  D&C 121 says we don't need to correct unless the spirit gives us an impression to.  Kids need to grow on their ow and some of the biggest ways they grow is when they learn from their mistakes.  We shouldn't take away the opportunities for kids to grow from their mistakes and be able to make better decisions the next time around.

The importance of Fathers

                                                           ~Fathers~

Normally when you think about family life, you see the mother at home with the children and the Dad coming home in the evenings after work.  The dad holds more of a passive role and the mother plays the active role.  This doesn’t seem like there would be a huge problem with this.  But in reality, there is a huge effect on how much involvement the Dad has on his children’s life.  There are some aspects that I find more important than the others.
          First, is that the dad’s love has a huge impact on the children, just the same as the mom.  If the dad takes the time to both express and show his love, his children will only benefit from it.  Showing his love can be through spending quality time with them, leaving notes or getting gifts when away on trip.  Expressing love can happen through words, support, confidence and more,  “Overall, father love appears to be as heavily implicated as mother love in offspring’s psychological well-being and health, as well as in an array of psychological and behavioral problems.” (Rohner & Veneziano, 2001)

Second is Father-child involvement.  It is hugely important in a child’s development, because it can give the child the confidence he or she needs to become a well-rounded adult.  The child will have more successful and intimate relationships down the road with their peers, friends, and significant others.  It will also be easier to adjust to social changes such as entering high school, leaving home and going to college and much more.  If there is a healthy amount of father-child development, the child will grow up being more tolerant and understanding.  It is easier to interact in social settings if there is a parent to look to for guidance and examples of this.  There are statistics that prove that children are protected against delinquency if there is a stable father figure in a child’s life working at that relationship.  And I believe this to be so true.  Kids aren’t going to need to fill their lives with illegal, or sketchy activities if their family and home life is secure; especially if they have a good father figure to look up to.

            Third, is the quality of the co-parental relationship.  This relationship affects the child even if it is indirect.  When fathers are supportive and encouraging to their wives, they in turn will be more patient, flexible, emotionally responsive, sensitive, and available mothers to their infants and young children.  Increased self-control, academic competence and positive relationships can all come from a healthy relationship that the child witnesses between his mother and father.  “A positive co-parental relationship models many important relationship skills that children can use in their own relationships such as: providing emotional support, resolving conflict effectively, showing respect, and positive, open communication patterns (Amato, 1998)”

            Fourth, a father who has the provider role and goes to work is surprisingly important while raising a child.  There is a sense of security that the mother and child feel when the dad ‘brings home the bacon.’  Not only do the mother and children feel good, but the dad also feels a sort of authority, adequacy, and accomplishment when he is the provider for his family.  If the mom and dad both feel good about where they are, then the home is a happier place to be for the children living there.

    Lastly, balancing work and family is an important aspect in the home.  A father is defined as an involved father if his relationship with his child can be described as being sensitive, warm, close, friendly, supportive, intimate, nurturing, affectionate, encouraging, comforting, and accepting.  If the father works on some of these traits he is on a good path to create great relationships with his kids.

    People in today’s society don’t give the fatherly appearance in a home enough credit or weight.  But there is more than enough evidence to prove that there is a huge toll in the child’s life if the father is absent or neglectful of his duties.  I have been lucky enough to be blessed with a father who has excelled in all of these areas I have discussed, as well as more. 

    He loves and has learned how to express his love in the ways that is unique to each one of us kids, as we individually need it. He is actively involved in each of our lives, whether that being in school, sports, church, friends or decisions we have to make.  He has a healthy and happy relationship with my mom that creates a good environment for us kids to grow and learn in.  My dad also loves his job and has never complained about his days at work.  He loves what he does, and it shows every time he comes home.  Although he loves and breathes his job, he has always been good at creating a good balance between family and his work. He doesn’t neglect his family and bury himself in his work, nor does he ignore his job and spend all of his time at home.  To me, he is the ideal image of what any father and husband should be like. 
    My dad’s relationship and mine is a special one; we both respect and love each other on a mature level that has come with years of interaction.  There wasn’t a single point in time in which I realized that my dad and I are close, but there was a point in time when I noticed that this kind of relationship between child and father isn’t very common in the average American family.  My parents are a single unit in my eyes and I don’t keep information from one or the other.  When I need to make decisions, when I am upset or in a rough spot I consult both of my parents because they both raised me in a loving and well organized home with standards and rules that were to my benefit.  Many of my girl friends consider themselves ‘Mama’s girls’ but for me, because my dad has worked so hard to play an important role in my life, I categorize myself as a ‘parents girl’.

    I realized that my younger siblings are more open with my parents when they are faced with challenges, or problems.  There is a great sense of trust and confidence that my siblings have instilled in my parents equally.  Not just my mother even though she has always been the stay at home mom.   Because my dad has been such a constant and uplifting man in each of our personal lives, we feel comfortable with sharing our thoughts and spending time with him.  My little brother is learning what it means to be a man and provider and good person from my dad’s example.  My two younger sisters are learning how to be successful in life as well as how to be tolerant and kind and serve others around them, because my dad has taken the time to teach us these things.  I want to be able to teach my kids all of these things as well one day, but also have a strong husband at my side to give them something I could never give them.

            I hope that my husband will take an active role to ensure positive father involvement in the lives of my children. As I date, I look for qualities in a guy that my father has.  I want to marry a man who values his family and knows how to nurture his children along side his wife the same way my dad has illustrated all nineteen years of my life.  There are many ways that this can be done.  I know that for myself, I am a very nurturing person.  And with my kids I will want to love on them and do all that I can for them.  I watched my mother take care of my younger siblings, and when the time comes for me to have kids I will know exactly what to do.   But I think that it would be easy to get frustrated with my husband if he does something wrong, or not the way I would have done it, such as putting the diaper on wrong, or who knows what else.  I want to encourage my husband and help him be involved in our children’s lives as early as possible.  Not criticizing and correcting him will be something I will personally work on, because I don’t want to shut him out in any way. 

    Another thing I can do to make sure that my kids and husband have a great relationship is to encourage daddy-daughter dates, and father-son outings.  I did this when I was younger with my dad as did all of my siblings.  This allowed us to talk and open up and just spend quality time together that I think can be overlooked with how busy our lives get.  Knowing that dad wants to make time for you is a great feeling.  But also knowing that you can trust and open up to him is something entirely different. 

    A father’s role should not be undermined.  He plays a huge role in the outcome of his children’s lives.  Children deserve to have a real father, and fathers deserve the chance to be real dads.  

Strength in Counsel

"The ancient moralist Aesop used to illustrate the strength of synergism by holding up one stick and asking for a volunteer among his listeners who thought he could break it. Of course, the volunteer was able to break one stick easily. Then Aesop would put more sticks together until the volunteer was unable to break them. The moral to Aesop’s demonstration was simple: Together we generate synergism, which makes us much stronger than when we stand alone."

God never intended that His children should stand alone. Children have parents, and parents have the Church, with the scriptures, living prophets and Apostles, and the Holy Ghost, to help them understand proper principles and act upon those principles in fulfilling their parental responsibilities.

First, focus on fundamentals
Second, focus on people
Third, promote free and open expression
Fourth, participation is a privilege
Fifth, lead with love

There is no better way to make important decisions and get all angles on a decision than counseling together as a family.  Listening to each and every persons ideas and opinions will reap greater rewards than just one person taking the reins and delegating to the rest of the family.  “Let us reason together, that ye may understand” (D&C 50:10).  

Communication and Understanding

What's the most important thing in family life and married life?  Many would say communication.  True, communication is one of the most important things in any relationship, but the way you communicate is the crucial part.
The first 30 seconds of a conversation can determine whether the conversation will end well, or badly.  It is important to come into the conversation in a calm and understanding manner rather than aggressive and informative.  It is important to communicate your own personal feelings rather than assumptions or perceptions you find yourself dwelling on.  This is refereed to as the 'I messages'.
Our culture is not good listeners.  Invalidation is the number one issue that couples run into.   Disregarding your spouses feelings, ignoring them completely or focusing your attention to other things can cause a rift in that relationship.  Being an empathic listener means to listen to your partners feelings and be able to reflect that back to them.  In order to listen for their feelings, you should be in tune to them, and them only and not judge.
Here are some steps to problem solve in relationships and marriages:

1. Identify and Define the Issue
2. Contract to work through the issue
3. Clarify the issue completely - Take turns using 'I messages' and 'Reflective and empathetic listening'
4. Identify wants for self, others, and us
5. Identify Alternatives - brainstorm
6. Solidifying agreements - Choose a plan of action - Think Win/Win
7. Try the plan and review/renegotiate

Crises in the Family

    What is a crisis?  For me, I think a crisis is anything that causes stress in a home and the hardships it produces.  The big question is are all crises bad?  Should we consider all crises in the family to have negative impacts and outcomes? Normally, a persons first thought in regards to a crisis is, "It's bad."  When in reality it may bring a family closer to one another or give people a better perspective on life.
    When a crisis strikes, there are several resources we can lean on for help.  First is the immediate family.  If they are going through the problem with you, then they will be the people who understand most and will be able to lend comfort.  Extended family helps as well.  To have that bond of family to support and love you through a hard time isn't easily replaced.  Another resource is humor.  Believe it or not if you can make light on a subject or bring a funny note into the situation, you can progress through the situation with a little more ease.  Smiling makes you feel good and when you can share it with others it will boost the mood of that environment.
  It is important to cope with stress and any crisis in an effective way.

• First, take responsibility.  Not only will you not deny or avoid the problem or blame others, but that you will not play the victim game.  
• Second, Affirm your own and your family's worth.  A crisis assaults people's self esteem.  This makes it that much harder to deal with the crises at hand.  
• Third, balance self-concern with other-concern.  When taking responsibility, you shouldn't forget the well-being of others around you.  Recognize the difference between helping yourself and helping others.  
• Fourth, learn the art of reframing.  This means to redefine the meaning of something or changing your perspective on the situation.  You learn to redefine something that you have come to define as troublesome, as adaptive and useful. 
• Lastly, find and use available resources.  Books, religion, self help groups and family members are all good resources to turn to for crises. 

Before and After

After marriage there is a very big change in lifestyle for both the husband and wife.  There is the opportunity for the couple to bring both of their ideas, material items, goals, and beliefs to the table and combine them to make something completely new.  Or there is a possibility that the couple will keep to their own ways and have a lifelong wedge between them.
There are so many ways a married couple can drift apart after they say, "I do."  Having kids is one of the biggest distractions that comes along with marriage.  One important thing to focus is to show appreciation, love, gratitude and trust for your spouse.
Many times once children come into the picture, the wives get more busy with household work and the husbands become more busy with work outside the home.  This can lead to perceptions that are not always correct.  Some of the most common is this: "They don't love me like they used to."  When in reality, that is just an assumption thought up when attention is lacking between spouses.
So wives, love your husbands.  Husbands, love your wives.  Couples, understand one anthers situation and communicate always.

What is your family like?

My family is like a Mac computer, shiny on the outside with a whole lot more happening on the inside.  Computers are a vital and modern appliance in today’s society that makes the world go ‘round. Some are old fashioned, and some are new, but the reasons they are bought and used are all similar.  I relate my family to a computer because we are both old and new, but our functions never change; just improve over time. 

            Like the traditional family my parents are the leaders of the household.  In the computer, the main parts are the hardware and software.  These allow the computer to function and work properly, and without either, the computer’s ability to complete tasks would be greatly hindered.  These missing parts could cause the rest of the computer’s parts to not act or work, as they should, thus leading to a faulty and incomplete computer. 

            Luckily my family is whole and functions very well during times of stress and happiness; making us a very happy and blessed.  Each one of us may contribute to making one machine, but we each have our own separate parts that contribute to the whole.  Like stated earlier, the machine wouldn’t work if any of the parts were missing.  So to start, I’ll talk about my mom and dad.

            My mom is the go to lady, the parent my siblings and I go to first just because it had always been that way.  She is like the software on a computer or the operating system.  The main part for getting things going and continuing, the background of the family.  There needs to be a piece that helps and allows other parts to function.  My mom is the rock of our family, but helps my siblings and I to rise up to our potential and take part in our family system.  This is similar in the way a computer works as well.  Over time she has learned things; from being a wife to being a mother, and has changed the ways she has dealt with things.  Computers are the same way in that over time they are upgraded and made better so that they can be used for a wider variety of things.

            My Dad is similar to the hardware on a computer.  He is someone we can store things on and pull things off of.  If we need someone to trust, to ask questions to, or need advice we can go to him for the important things.  Hardware is often taken for granted and not missed until it is gone.  With my dad it is the same way.  We go to him with really important things and when he is gone working and we need him, it is very noticeable.  He is also like the memory chip of our family.  Anything we have planned, things we did in the past, and funny memories, my dad can remember.  But like any memory chip, over time they get full and sometimes don’t work the same.  We tease my dad about that all the time.  The last component is the DVD drive.  The DVD is an outside influence that is put into the computer.  My dad is really good about taking other peoples thoughts and ideas and internalizing them to make himself better.  That is one of the things that I so admire about my dad. 

Now moving on to my 16 year old spunky, my way or no way sister right under me.  She is like the Safari or Internet server on a computer.  The Internet is something that is not always on, nor something you can always access.   If my sister is having a bad day, she is hard to reach and communicate with.  At times she can also be sporadic and not 100 percent reliable.  There are also other times when she wants to get several things done in one day but just can’t do it.  This relates to the Internet that wants to be fast and furious but is sometimes hindered by having too much on its plate.  As you search the Internet you often get more than you want.  You type in a word for Google and it comes up with hundreds of websites.  My sister is very similar to this.  When you are talking to her about something she could pull up any response and just run with it.  It is humorous most of the time but complicated other times. 

            My next sibling is the peacemaker of our home.  She hates conflict and when she is the cause of a fight she is always first to deflate and apologize.  It reminds me of the fan that turns on when the computer starts getting too heated.  But it is never when the computer starts getting warm it is always after it is hot.  It is good for families to get some of their feelings out, but before it goes too far she stops it; same with the computer.  Depending on how warm the computer is determines how hard the fan works as well.  Also the duration of heat determines how long the fan is on.  My sister works this way as well. 

            My youngest sibling is our little man, we finally got the boy!  But being youngest has its advantages and disadvantages.  Sometimes he is pushed to the side because he is young or he is listened to because he is the youngest and is doted on.  When his buttons are pushed he reacts in one of two completely different ways.  Much like the brightness keys on the screen.  After being pushed in the same direction, the screen will either go dark or light.  Lighter is usually preferred, and when its dark you can’t do anything.  With my brother; you want him to be happy at all times, he sets the mood for the family.  When happy, everyone else is happy.  When he is in a bad mood it rubs off on everyone and nothing goes well. 

            As the family grows and works towards becoming better, each individual grows.  After pondering over how a computer works, I see my family in a new way.  Each of us is a vital part towards how our family is made up and works.  If any of us were missing, things would be different in our home.  I understand the importance of individual parts and the detrimental impact that a broken piece can have on the whole unit.  I want to share this with my family and others so that they see the importance that a solid family unit can shape a happy life and future.

Couples, Marriage and More.

It is interesting how men and women are so different but are needed so very much for a complete, whole and unified family.  Although men and women are different, one does not feel any less emotion or love than the other one.  That is why having a man and a woman in the home is so important; a man will play a different role than his wife, and the wife brings traits to the family her husband does not.  
Those families who have two mothers or two fathers are most likely wanting to raise their kids right, and in fact are great people.  But there is no way for them to progress towards eternal happiness the same way a man and a woman can.  Gender roles both bring something different to the relationship and to the family.  There would be things missing if you took one parent out.  God loves all of his children equally and does not judge, and neither should we.  But we as a faith shouldn't feel ashamed or embaressed to stand up for the traditional family and encourage others to seek the same thing.  Because in the end, that is truly what makes you happy.

Family and Child: A relationship

Family life is so important in today's society and can make a huge difference in a child's life as they grow into an adult.  Parents are the main source of knowledge and the biggest examples in their kids life.  It is of the upmost importance that parents take note of their actions and realize it can make a large impact on the lives their children will eventually lead.  My class completed an exercise in which we had to write down 10 things we would strive to do as parents, or when we become parents, that will lead to a happier family life.  The ones I chose are:

1. Be positive

2. Say please and Thank you

3. Respect and help others

4. Speak the truth

5. No violence

6. Share

7. Be grateful

8. Keep promises

9. Smile
10. Say, "I love you"

My family has had many opportunities to travel around the world and see the various family lifestyles that different cultures portray. In Africa we were able to view the people of Liberia and Tanzania.  Families were a fundamental part of life, and were needed in order to survive.  They supported each other and depended on one another for survival.  We were able to care for a pair of liberian twins for a couple weeks because their mom had died during child birth and their dad had several other children to take care of.  While walking down the streets with them random people would walk up to us and say, "Thank you, you are such a blessing to these babies" or "God bless you, even though those are not your babies".  Normally they would be orphaned or abandoned at a hospital.  So us providing a family life for sometime was a huge blessing for these kids and the people in Liberia recognized that.  In America we should strive to be like this as well; loving our families and doing all we can to love and make them the center of our lives.

Live, Laugh, Love; Family

 
    Growing up, family has always been the most important thing to me.  They are a support group, embarrassment, free comedy show and at the end of the day, always there for you.  To be able to build a family of your own seems like such an amazing honor.  But in todays society, having kids is lower down on the priority list than ever before.
    A parents biggest responsibility in life is to raise their children to be the best they can be.  What an honor it would be to have a child of your own to teach and nurture and watch grow right before your eyes.  It is a wonder to me why there are so many couples don't want to have children of their own.  Some couples say they aren't in a financial spot to have kids, or that having more than a couple kids isn't the norm anymore, or that the world is already so overpopulated that having kids would be a selfish and stupid thing to do.
    First, a couple shouldn't worry about whether or not they can raise a child with all the comfortable necessities that make life easier.  God will help in the ways he can and make sure that things work out.  All it takes is a little faith.  Second, children bring so many blessings and amazing memories to a family that wouldn't be possible to have without.  And lastly, there is no need to worry about the world being overpopulated.  Studies show that today the numbers are decreasing and women are having even fewer kids in their lifetime.  There isn't a problem with too many people, there will eventually be a problem with having too few people.
    When I get married I want to raise my own family with my husband and take pride in each child and teach them all that I know.  Because to me, family is the most important thing I'll have.

Important, Intriguing and Beautiful

Today in class we spent a good amount of time talking about the different types of learning we each go through.  There is surface learning, strategic learning, and deep learning; deep learning usually happens when we have a question that is important, intriguing or just plain beautiful.
Since this is a class on the family, we were asked to think up three questions that were in those categories.  Here were my questions:

Important: How would you know when your marriage is heading south and how would you recognize the red flags?

Intriguing: How come intimacy is so easy to obtain in the beginning, but so hard to hold on to as time goes by?

Beautiful: How can I learn to love and grow with my spouse through the rocky times when emotion is no longer the driving force?

Although I'm not married myself or have kids, I want to learn all that I can so that when the time comes I am able to be the best wife and mother that I can.  “Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind.” - Howard W. Hunter

First day of Class

Today was my first day in my Family Relations class! We will be learning about the relationships inside the family and what we as Social Scientists can do to improve, learn and give to those families.
Looking forward to an interesting class!